Five Ways The Human Doctor Dies
by Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley
Summary: just what it says on the tin, includes Martha's Revenge and The Wizard of Oz.


**Author's Note: this is a Christmas present to...Josie, who hates Handy. **

**1. A little too much of Donna can kill us all**

They were all captured by Davros and all of the daleks, no hope left when suddenly the TARDIS materialised everyone sighed with relieve when the doors opened and revealed the Doctor, in a blue suit.

"What?!" the Doctor next to Rose squeaked.

"How is this possible?" Davros asked infuriated.

"Well you see this stupid plonker over there just had to get his hand cut off, where it was found by Jack who eventually gave it back to me, well when I say me I mean the stupid plonker in the brown pinstripes, he put all that weird regenerated energy into the hand which was touched by Earth-Girl making me" the blue suited Doctor babbled.

"Is it me or does he sound a lot like Donna?" Martha asked in a whisper.

"It's not just you" Rose said reassuringly.

"Drop your weapon and join the others" Davros ordered.

The blue suited Doctor snorted. "Who made you ruler of the universe Toad-Face? I do whatever I like"

"Exterminate him!" Davros barked at his daleks.

"EX-TERMINATE!"

The blue suited Doctor dropped to the floor dead just as Donna exited the TARDIS, she raised an eyebrow. "Who would have thought a little too much of me can kill you?" she said kicking the blue suited Doctor.

**2. Jack can cause suicide in us all**

They had just managed to pull Earth back to it's original position when Jack swooped down and pressed a kiss against the Human Doctor's hand, the man himself pulled his hand away and used it to slap Jack.

"What the hell are you trying to do?!" the Human Doctor said looked panicked.

"Saying hello to an old flame of mine" Jack said innocently. "Me and that hand have been through a lot. Do you know I once rescued it from an insane alien that was bent on having sex with every male on the Earth?"

"Oh you mean yourself" the Human Doctor muttered looking disgusted, agitated and really annoyed.

"No it was possessing a sweet welsh girl called Carys, in fact I think she and Gwen are still in contact...hmm....i wonder if I should warn Rhys..." Jack went of into a thought before shaking his head. "Anyway me and that hand have had some wild times"

"Uhuh"

"It gave fantastic hand jobs"

The Human Doctor had gone from pale to a faint green. "Excuse me Jack; I have a need to throw myself out of the airlock"

"Yeah sure, see you later Doc" Jack nodded obliviously. Then he realised. "Hey? What?"

A loud scream told him that he was too late.

"Great just great" Jack muttered. "So not only do I fail at committing suicide myself I cause it for sexy people"

**3. ** **Martha's revenge**

Martha had just finished hugging Mickey, who she had to admit was quite cute when suddenly the Doctor swooped down and kissed her...on the lips, tongue invading her mouth. God she had forgotten how good a kisser her was. He then pulled away far enough for her to see he was in his blue suite, meaning he was the human one.

She felt a bit faint but he wasn't looking at her, he was looking at himself and Rose. "Damn she didn't see" he muttered. "How am I supposed to make her jealous if she doesn't see?"

Anger was beginning to fill Martha up. "What?!" she hissed.

The Human Doctor turned to face her. "Oh yeah, sorry about that Martha, I was just trying to get Rose jealous, she's been snogging my Time Lord self for over twenty minutes now and it isn't fair"

Martha slapped him, hard. "You fucking bastard!" she screeched before punching him. "I am sick to the teeth of you. First you flirted with me and kissed me, only to tell me I'm not Rose's fucking replacement. Then you talk about Rose constantly and yes I'm sure Rose is a wonderful person and hell I like her and I barely know her but a girl doesn't need to feel second best. Then you try to get rid off me, only to invite me to stay, mixed signals? That's a bloody understatement! Then you make me look after you when you're pretending to be human, making me a maid, a black maid in 1913 no less, so I'm forced to go under racist abuse from snotty little brats while you snog fucking Nurse Redfern. Not to mention when you got us stuck in 1969, I had to work my arse off, put up with even more racism while you, you fucking skinny twat sit on your arse all day moping about the TARDIS, Rose and god knows what else. Then when Jack comes along, all you talk about is Rose and how wonderful she is, blah, blah, blah and then in the Year that Never Was, which was something I suffered a lot. Do you know how many times I almost died? How many blisters I got? How hungry I was? But no I stuck at my job and you might have said thank you but you weren't grateful. I had to put my family in therapy for years because of you"

"They already seem to need therapy anyway" the Human Doctor muttered.

Martha let out a shriek before kicking him in the balls, causing him to hunch over in pain. "You snarky little git! There was nothing wrong about my family, my Mum was looking out for me, my Dad was just having a mid-life crisis and my siblings weren't aware of anything."

She picked up Mickey's gun and shot him, the Human Doctor fell to the floor dead, his blood soaking the metal grating.

"You said I wasn't a replacement for Rose and I accepted that" Martha panted. "But you made me her replacement; you constantly compared me to her."

"You feel better?" Rose asked looking concerned. Martha nodded and Rose pulled her into a hug while glaring at the alive Doctor, who was now looking pale and plain terrified.

**4. Aspirin kills**

His head was killing him, it was burning and pounding and he couldn't think straight let alone think anything else. He was human now wasn't he? Boring physiology, no allergies...right? He stumbled into Donna's bathroom and rummaged through her cabinet, letting out a whoop of success when he found the aspirin; he took two and swallowed them with a glass of water walking out cheerfully.

Only to start choking as his throat swelled up.

Bugger, he was still too Time Lord.

**5. The classical Wizard of Oz way**

The Doctor let out a little sigh, he had only just left his human self and Rose on the beach and he was already feeling...well the exact same way he was when he last lost Rose.

"Oh that's it!" Donna snapped. "I knew this was a stupid idea and you moping about is only just going to ruin my buzz. We're going back for them"

"What?" the Doctor croaked as he watched Donna prance round the console pressing buttons and flicking switches.

"It's obvious that you're not going to ever stop sulking about Rose, even if you do bloody refuse to tell her you love her – which by the way was a stupid move you Dumbo. So allonsy!"

They were suddenly thrown to the floor when the TARDIS rocked violently. The TARDIS threw herself upside down a couple times before landing, leaving both of them breathless and bruised.

"Blimey that was rougher than I expected" Donna said pushing her hair out of her face. "Come on then Space-Boy" she took the Doctor's hand and pulled him out on the Bad Wolf Bay where Rose and Jackie stood looking shell shocked.

"What? Have I got something on my face?" Donna asked worriedly.

Both Jackie and Rose shook their heads silently. The Doctor turned to see what they were staring at, his mouth dropping open in shock.

There stood the TARDIS in her blue glory....squashing a man with his blue covered legs sticking out from beneath, red converses standing up to attention...this looked awfully lot like the first evil witch's death scene in the Wizard of Oz.

"Ooh, ruby slippers" Donna giggled taking the red converses off. "I guess that makes you Toto" she said to the Doctor as she got up, the converses tucked under her arm. "Come on Rose time to go"

Rose followed silently, her eyes still wide in shock. The Doctor closed the TARDIS door behind him as Donna started the TARDIS engines; he wondered if he could ever watch The Wizard of Oz again without screaming.


End file.
